Sometimes I feel as though the best of my life has already happened and from now on, I’ll only have pain and misery.
I used to have it all: friends, beauty, money, love, a comfortable life. Ever since my 20s, life has been a weird decay into a bottomless pit. Financial problems beyond resolution. Lack of friends. No one whose interest catches my eye that can reciprocate those feelings. Never have I been fatter, or with so much less hair than now. I don’t even have the energy to go out anymore, mainly because of financial problems, but specifically because I don’t feel any better doing so. Not to mention the heart problems and the tumors in my head.
The weird thing though is that I find relief and despair equal in the thought that tomorrow EVERYTHING WILL BE FUCKING WORSE. So a week from now, I will sink even lower in this bottomless pit.
I don’t wanna die in the gutter, but if only I could disappear and vanish delicately, without alarm, without causing trouble for anyone. If only I could not exist. I don’t feel like dying would solve all my problems and the others to come, but then again nothing will.
I really miss being happy and in charge.